an important day for me and me alone?

So much is rambling around in my head and I felt the need to type it down. Sometimes I wish that instead of these posts we could just use our typewriters to write on real paper and then pin them up on a common corkboard somewhere. I don't like this no-accountability instant gratification internet and what it's done to me.

Today is mixed up, not necessarily in a bad way but in a decidedly mixed up way. To me, it represents a lot, it marks a huge turning point in my life, the point when I started taking chances and living with at least one and a half eyes wide open, when I stepped off the conveyer belt and into the wild. Maybe I just stepped onto another conveyer belt, actually, but at least this one was going in a better direction. Since then I've had some of the best and worst moments of my life, but I'd take the whole lot over the forced sedation that I had before. It was a scary day, a sneaky day, an exciting day. What else to say? I can't believe it's been a year, but my new cast of characters seems so much more than a single year old.

Ross and Nicki have been gone for more than ten months now. I miss them with a dull, throbbing ache that constantly haunts the back of my mind. Rarely, if ever, does this ache become acute, but it's there always. I want to be able to call Ross up and tell him that I put artichoke hearts on my pizza. I want them to come here for Trivial Pursuit and show me how to reappreciate the joys of Berkeley, Tilden, and even mom and dad and home. I want to appreciate them like I didn't when they were here, because I took them for granted, because how could I not?

I am swimming in a sea of broken down thoughhts and I wish I could talk about them with my very favorite person but I'm afraid they've got bigger fish to fry right now.

Some tea will quiet my buzzing ego.