Everything Looks Better in Black and White

When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school
It's a wonder I can think at all
And though my lack of education hasn't hurt me none
I can read the writing on the wall.

Kodachrome
They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the world's a sunny day
Oh yeah
I got a Nikon camera
I'd love to take a photograph
So mama don't take my Kodachrome away.

Trade Eyes

Oh how I wish you saw you how I see you, how everybody sees you, how you really are. I wish you could fathom the extent of your intelligence and curiosity, your humor and your caring, your value, intrinsic and appreciated. I wish you could feel the contentment I feel when I hear your questions and frustrations, knowing that questioning and pushing are the heart of you, are what set you apart and earmark you for greatness. I wish you could be as inspired by you as I am. And even as I wish this, I wouldn't change a single thing about you, least of all your humility.

The You I know will turn out better than ok.

Feeling...

...just a little more comfortable in my own skin.

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

Oh how I love Simon and Garfunkel! Thank you Kevin Copley and Joseph Garrity for making me appreciate the soul-satisfying greatness that can be mine for the low low price of listening to S&G play my heart strings.

And now Dean Martin's cookin with gas!

Studying for finals is made tolerable with goodold timey music, "early" morning meetings in various cafes, scavenger hunts in chocolate squares, cheap tasty Indian food coming in through the window, and model chemistry lessons curled up in bed at night.

And tea of course, hand over fist!

Goodbye to Rooooooooosie the Queen of Corona
It's me and Julio down by the schoolyard.

songs that can ALWAYS improve my mood

GUMBOOTS ... paul simon
YOU MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE ... hall and oats
AIN'T NOBODY HERE BUT US CHICKENS ... b.b. king
THE BOXER ... simon and garfunkel

more to come as i think of them.

What My Internationally Renowned Berkeley Education Has Taught Me

We should go back to the bartering system.

I want to live off the fat of the land.

796 pages of econometric knowledge ultimately ends with a ?

The most important part of a paper is the bibliography.

Beautiful surroundings help me learn.

When it's really windy, trees fall over.

A short, meaningful conversation with a professor about the subject they have devoted their lives to is worth more than a full semester's worth of textbook reading.

Even Evans is beautiful when you consider the people inside.

Everyone has value, even mass comm majors.

Eating good, tasty food is really important, as is involving other people in mealtime!

Take time to enjoy reading rooms.

Take a step back, put each class, paper, test, lecture, and reading assignment in its context, and enjoy the priviledge that is being here :)

(Good) Morning

WHY WON'T YOU JUST GET UP?

Li La Li

I'm sitting here in a cozy cafe and with the decorations and the smiles and the lights and the cold outside so far away, you know it's starting to feel like the holidays. I've always loved the holidays even though I didn't celebrate them, I liked all the elements and smells and lights and the attitude.

This song's been rattling around in my cage for a while.

I am just a poor boy and my story's seldom told
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocket full of mumbles such are promises
All lies and jest still a man hears
What he wants to hear and disregards the rest.

When I left my home and my family I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of a railway station running scared
Laying low seeking out the poorer quarters where the ragged people go
Looking for the places only they will know.

And I'm laying out my winter clothes wishing I was gone going home
Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me, leading me to go home.

In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the remainders of ever glove that laid him down or
Cut him
Till he cried out in his anger and his pain
I am leaving I am leavin but the fighter still remains.

Yes he still remains.

it rains, who reigns?

Feeling listless and a little detatched.

I finally caught on to the idea that when you wear multiple, thick layers of clothing, along with lace-up shoes and socks, you end up being warm. And dry. Instead of walking around with your feet squishing around in your flats and jeans wet up to your knees, soaked to the bone and shivering. This whole warm and dry thing will be a new concept for me. And I carried an umbrella today! Progress.

Hm so much to say but nothing I can write. I wish I didn't work on a Thursday night.

I Love Scrubs

"You know, I keep waiting to get sick of pudding, but every cup I love it more."

It's Raining and I'm Happy

Right now I feel right at home, where I should be, sitting in a bright, crammed classroom on the ground floor of Dwinelle while the rain wafts down right next to me, outside. Did I say wafts? Yes wafts, this rain isn't falling, it's so light it's floating, it's acting like snow but it's melted. Around me the people are talking about World War I, which happened nearly one hundred years ago now but we are still terrified of it. So we talk about it and talk about it in the hopes that none of us will ever do it again.

I feel like a grilled cheese sandwhich. I feel like eating one, that is. I do not feel that I myself am a grilled cheese sandwhich.

I love this rain, it seems to pull everybody together. We are all cloaked in this gray blanket, pushed inside by the foul weather, made to sit together and eat together and be together. It looks like hot chocolate and hearty soup outside, meaning that that is what my brain jumps to as soon as I see that blanket of gray. I hope all the people rushing around outside under their umbrellas in their rubber boots are heading somewhere where they can get something hot and tasty to eat or drink.

Today I will hole myself up in Morrison from 2pm to 5pm and read. Maybe I will read a textbook, but probably I will read a book for no one but myself. It will be cold outside but I will be warm. So will my fellow Morrisonites. Sweet.

?

When did I become the weakest link, the flake of the group, the one that doesn't take her work seriously?

When did I become the nag, the jealous one, the paranoid obsessive?

When did I lose the ability to laugh at life and relax, to take things as they come, and to take them lightly?

When did I start paying more attention to how I seem than how I am?

When did I start thinking only about the big, impossible things and forget about the compilation of little things that used to be my life?

When the hell did I come here?

When can I go back?

Snippets from a Typical Thursday at the Daily Cal

big headline dialemma headlines oh great its cal band time oh great wah wah wah one two three go! umm articles are due to happen ummmm this one too the story line for cal is basically who wants to beat uop here you can use this to double check teds name what about hey one thing i forgot about the headline for the oak grove thing is that theres a headline above it that uses all the same words so i just wanted to make sure that was ok with you right now the headline is campus spending estimate thats in the box for the entire figure thanks have a good night ummm *a door slams* are you thinking about history *a drawer opens and shuts* wow cool cool it moved i mean it looked like that their feet were moving red right no white white red white oh were going to yellow drop no thats for tomorrows paper whats going on ill read up on it then well were almost done i hope were almost done i hope were not forgetting anything i brought the change to the usc office i got that done *cheering from outside* how was the drive home quick three hours two and a half well yeah its supposed to be three and a half but if you drive eighty five you know blue white blue who took the cutout photo alison oh alison field *laughter* how do you select the hands wait hold on you cant leave until you help me figure out my black hmmmmmmmmmmm *laughter* what are they doing out there i dont know sleuth it out max what up what up kids

Lying In Wait

Melancholorama

I am feeling very hungry and stupid and sorry for myself. A friend is sitting a few feet away from me but I won't say hi, I don't want to talk or try to drag myself out of my lonely droopiness. I want the right person next to me, not saying anything, but they're not here.

Two people pass each other right in front of my and give each other a silent high five.

A Summary

The most difficult thing I hoped to accomplish during this break: Objectively analyze the far reaching effects of a substantial gas tax on public use of the BART system in the greater San Francisco Bay Area.

The most difficult thing I actually accomplished during this break: I helped someone make fondummy bears.

In short, a perfect break.

I'm So-o-o-o-o Tired...

I'm sitting here in Davis. There is a large bowl of oranges in front of me. I have eaten a good number of them - I wonder if I've eaten more of these oranges than anyone else? They are of the variety that is easy to peel and come apart in sections. Delicious. On my left are two grown men. One is Jack and the other is Joe. They are on another computer. Weird. Watching a video that Joe made. He made another video today. Or rather he shot another one, but it is not "made" yet. It needs to be put together and cleaned up. Something that Amy has makes Jack uncomfortable, he says. Now there is an accent coming out of the computer, it is from New Zealand. 3/5ths of my family is in New Zealand right now. Or so I assume, I don't actually know for sure. Maybe there are no oranges in front of me, maybe they turned to apples on the inside, and I just didn't notice because they kept their old skins. Unlikely. The tile under my feet is cold, and as I type that I realize that my whole body is cold. And tired. I am very tired. It has been a long day. I have spent considerable time today in three cities: Pleasant Hill, Berkeley, and Davis. The overriding theme of the day has been my need to read my book. The overriding action of the day has been me not reading my book. Don't you put me on the backburner, say The Killers. Ok. I want to be in bed where I can wrap up so warm and comfortable, but the last thing I want to do is go right to sleep. I want to lie there and realize how happy I am and how good I have it. Then I want to drift off to sleep so slowly that I don't even realize it, and I want to wake up in just the same fashion, so it's like I was conscious of the whole thing, and got to enjoy every moment of the wonderful, daily eight hour break I get to experience. I want to read my book in bed, because then it's not work, it's just passively learning while being warm and happy. Nothing is work if I am warm and comfortable. Maybe that is my new goal in life, to attain warmth and comfort and then to help the people around me to attain warmth and comfort too. My eyes aching is actually my brain telling me that I should close them. I wonder if Peter's eyes ache and that's why he closes them all the time? I wonder what Andi is doing right now. If I had to guess, I would say she is lying on her warm, comfortable bed in my parent's room. She has reached my life goal; she is almost alway warm and comfortable, so would I trade my life with Andi? I think not, which leads me to reevaluate my goals. The two grown men on my left look sleepy, they are both leaning their heads on their right hands and they are no longer really commenting on the videos they are watching on the screen, they are just looking, maybe not even watching anymore. Three people are sitting around a table in a house in a room full of superbly comfortable beds, and they are all sleepy, but none of them will sleep. What are we afraid of missing out on by going to bed? If we slept one hour less every day we would get an extra day every twenty four days. I would love that. But I love to sleep more. So away I go.

Unexpectedly...

...thankful.

I have never celebrated Thanksgiving before. Last night was enlightening. I reconnected with people that I never thought I'd need, that I never realized were family. My definition of family is expanding. Thank you John, Hilary, David, (Matt), and Andrew for including us in yours.

I have been thinking a lot recently about the places I live my life in. I don't just live in my apartment, in my room; I live in the Free Speech Cafe, I live on the couch in the back of Brewed Awakening, I live on this leather couch in Pleasant Hill. I live on the BART train, on the 51 heading to the east side, I live in the Allenoak garden and in Kroeber. I live in Morrison library, in front of the fire at the Ackers' house, at Joe's, at Tatyana's, I live at the Daily Cal. These are the places that define me, that I act within, that hold me. They are so familiar and comfortable. I wonder how I will remember them later in life, and as I wonder, I think back on Creative Play Preschool, on Natalie and Brian's room, on Ross's house in Chico, on our old backyard with the sloping hill, on my Dad's old office. Do we give enough credit to our surroundings? I love my spaces, and fifty years from now, when I look back on my early adulthood, I will have warm memories and bright scenery to look remember.

Faith in Humanity Restored

Today at the Cheeseboard (the PIZZA part):

I lined up, just before the restaurant opened, shuffled along to the front of the line, dreaming about my pizza, with my credit card in my hand, assuming that they took credit cards because the cheese part of the Cheeseboard does. As I got the the counter and noticed the register was old fashioned and simple, I asked if they took credit cards, found out they didn't, frowned, and went to leave. But the happy guy at the counter just said, "You want pizza? It's really good. Pay next time." And I got my steaming slice, complete with mini taster slice, and no money changed hands, and I walked out.

My tiny new mission in life is to be like that guy every day, every opportunity I get. How refreshing and novel when people choose to interact as people, rather than as rulebooks or computer programs. I get so wrapped up in technicalities sometimes, I get stressed out worrying about getting what's mine, about protecting myself from being used, maybe we all do. But we don't have to worry so much about the rules, about technical boundaries between what's mine and yours, about staying even with friends or even enemies. The guy at the Cheeseboard probably does selfless, humane stuff all the time, but you can see by his attitude that he doesn't spend his whole life worrying about being taken advantage of. I want to start being giving because I think it's the right thing to do, because I think that's how people should live, and not because I want something back.

Could this tingly sensation be holiday cheer? Weird.

Insta-Update

Brimhall licked it. It still didn't work.

I love this class!

From EPS Film Lab

Brimhall (standing with a hopelessly scratched DVD in his hand): Any suggestions?

Student: I heard if you lick the DVD, it helps.

Brimhall: What?

Student: Lick it.

Brimhall: ...any volunteers?

The Right Words

Two very difficult conversations.

Two people I love oh so much.

Two people that I know love me.

Sometimes you just have to let go and say it.

I feel so much better now.

Out of Sorts

Feeling at this point like it might not matter what I do, how hard I think, it's no use. Wondering where my work ethic has gone and why I inherited so much of my mother and so little of my father. Missing my family, not geographically, but in time, missing being a unit, five people in one, and tackling the world together. Wondering if I will ever have that again, with another group of people, and whether the feeling will even slightly resemble the feeling I didn't know to appreciate when I was a child. Wanting to forget it all and read a book that I can live inside. Wanting to have lovable imperfections rather than these glaring, hurtful ones. Missing the home I waited a lifetime to get away from.

Wanting you to know all of this without me having to tell you.

Wishing I didn't feel like this at all.

Low down and used up.

this is what shuffle tells me as i try to write a personal statement

sean lennon ... tomorrow

bob dylan ... i want you
my favorite bob dylan song! but i say that about pretty much every bob dylan song that comes up, so...you be the judge

harry mcclintock ... big rock candy mountain

badly drawn boy ... something to talk about

the old 97s ... let the idiot speak
there was a half a harvest moon up on the hillside, our love was made almost entirely of downside...doooooown town is sooooooo weak, let the idiot speak...you're right in front of me and there's no one to talk to

neutral milk hotel ... in the aeroplane over the sea
oh shuffle how do you know me?

ella fitzgerald and louis armstrong ... let's call the whole thing off
you say m'squito, I say mosquito, you say maaario, i say mayrio, fo' we know we need each other so we let's call the calling off off :)

neutral milk hotel ... king of carrot flowers part 1
this song reminds me of the stories my parents tell me about when they were dating...disturbing?

the beatles ... we can work it out

the decemberists ... the mariner's revenge song
invest the required 9 minutes to listen to this song fully, it's worth the effort

the beatles ... i will
ahh

the smiths ... please, please, please, let me get what i want

the beatles ... till there was you

frankie valli & the four seasons ... can't take my eyes off you

elvis costello ... she
she who always seemed so happy in a crowd whose eyes can be so private and so proud no one's allowed to see them when they cry...me i'll take her laughter and her tears. my favorite elvis by far.

the old 97s ... valentine
too too triste :(

deep blue something ... breakfast at tiffany's
really need to watch this movie all the way through - i've seen it all but not in one fell swoop. cat! cat! cat!

the beatles ... julia

the beatles ... cry baby cry
shuffle?

the smiths ... panic
the music they constantly play says nothing to me about my life

the old 97s ... question

bright eyes ... old soul song (for the new world order)
i've never once listened to this song without getting choked up - i'm pretty sure it's the chords and not the words for some reason

bright eyes ... at the bottom of everything
very bored, very dispondent

Now that THAT'S out of my system...

...I can get to work.

King Pin My Heart!

A sluggish night at work suddenly holds the promise of a chocolate bar, looming large and inviting on the horizon of the night. It's amazing how quickly a good day can turn into a great day :)

I will miss working here when I'm gone. As much as I complain, I love the sound of these keys, the weary frustration, the office obsession with misleading, inuendo-riddled headlines, the late-night pastry deliveries from perfect boyfriends, the mundanity of filling out production logs, timeschedules, and online corrections, the dwindling staff well into the night, and of course, most of all, I will miss the long. droney, unending conversations with Paul. And Steffi asking questions like: "Wait, is the online article going online?" Uuuhhh, yeah. Yeah, it is.

Copley OUT! To put this paper to bed.

The Anti-Blog Force In My Life

warily distrusting each other at calso
suffering through schwartz, eichengreen, and wood
we became gold standard experts!
ukranian bread rings on a string and lots and lots of good tea
we're both in love so
no more mutual wariness over sam
gallons of nutella goes well with tears late into the night
so many cheapo desi dogs!
me doing my ghetto dance and you laughing at my overwhelming whiteness
an audrey hepburn scene in a cafe
the dramatic music swells in the backgroud
how did the two opposite blondes from calso end up thick as theives?
it's your fault - you brought the nutella :)

for Tatyana if she sucks it up and reads the blog!

CHAW

Lots of contented thoughts running around in my head this morning, not the least of which is:

How did I end up with this RAT in my life?

A Gem

Exams are funny things. There is so much hype, so much buildup, so much stress, hours, days, even weeks of sometimes methodical, sometimes sleepy, sometimes frantic preparation, all for a few hours of the most intense, concentrated work we do here. Then in an instant, it's pencils down, and after a final, climactic explosion of silent expletives, the dam breaks. All that strain and effort, everything wound so tight, is released into the lightheaded, swirling vacuum of freedom that exists as you back up your bag and float out the door, maybe bewildered, maybe cautiously elated, probably confused, but definately, from the depths of your brain to the lengths of your chewed, tired fingernails,
FINISHED.

And in this tired freedom, nothing is sweeter than the right words at the right time from the right mind.

1. You know much more than what little the test covers.
2. It does not affect much of anything.
3. Someone out there still loves you.

Avoidance

A major test tomorrow, a novel to read, a paper to write by next week, a terrifying project looming large on the horizon, solution: spend thirty precious minutes creating a blog that you will most likely never write in again because you can remember where it is in this huge open room called internet. Well done Jo.

I am finished with my blueberries.

A vampire just walked by in plainclothes. I am the only one who knows!

Brewed Awakening is having a 20th Anniversary celebration. The celebration seems to consist of them going about their business exactly as they have every day for 20 years. What better way to celebrate a good thing than by changing absolutely nothing? Except they seem to be patting themselves on the back by upping their prices. That has changed. I bet Ross would like it here. He would probably raise a fuss. There are newspaper clippings all along the wall about a man who ran the length of Route 66 at age 66. My mother is turning into that man. The tables are uneven and the chairs are hard but the people are happy and that's what counts. These people are doing as much good as Jeffry Sachs, who do I really want to be?