brothers

Ross:

"whats up kiddo

word is your done soon and you dont quite know what to do with yourself

I had that same feeling.

The freedom is almost overwhelming

you can do

a n y t h i n g

wwooosh, like a calm breeze in your hair on a beautiful day"



Ben:

"You rock."



I'm surprised how often they both make me realize that everything is going to end up alright.

:(

Oh so disappointed in my stupid self.

i worry and i hope

the people had come to witness a sensational case, to see celebrities, to get material for conversation, so be seen, to kill time. they would return to unwanted jobs, unloved families, unchosen friends, to drawing rooms, evening clothes, cocktail glasses and movies, to unadmitted pain, murdered hope, desire left unreached, left hanging silently over a path on which no step was taken, to days of effort not to think, not to say, to forget and give in and give up. but each of them had known some unforgotten moment - a morning when nothing had happened, a piece of music heard suddenly and never heard in the same way again, a stranger's face seen in a bus - a moment when each had known a different sense of living. and each remembered other moments, on a sleepless night, on an afternoon of steady rain, in a church, in an empty street at sunset, when each had wondered why there was so much suffering and ugliness in the world. they had not tried to find the answer and they had gone on living as if no answer were necessary. but each had known a moment when, in lonely, naked honesty, he had felt the need of an answer.

Ricky Gervais reads my mind.

"I no longer needed a reason for my existence, just a reason to live. And imagination, free will, love, humor, fun, music, sports, beer and pizza are all good enough reasons for living."

a letter from a friend

...such a perfect gift to give and receive, letting someone have a slice of your thoughts, knowing you were worth the time it took.

What I would love to do is go to New Zealand for a month, or two, possibly stroll down South America way for a week, if that could happen, then spend a couple of weeks in Europe with Tatyana in September, and visit the masses of family in England for a while after that, then just see where I wind up.

Thoughts?

I hate this feeling. I'm different from everybody else. Everyone else accepts it, they're open, they're understanding, they're not stuck up and they don't judge. But apparently I don't accept it, I'm closed minded, I don't understand, I'm high and mighty and I judge. I can't help it. How can I help having a strong opinion about something that ripped up my family, something that destroyed my hero, something so wasteful, so useless...

What I hate the most is the burden that my past experiences place on you. Why should you have to deal with someone so uptight, who can't possibly see the good in it when everybody else can, or at least tries to? Why should you have to walk on eggshells around this, worried that I might spin off or cry, why should you have to worry about appeasing me? You shouldn't. You should have your opinions, you should feel how you feel, and most importantly, you should do whatever you want.

But I can do what I want too.

my current favorite

the guilty undertaker sighs
the lonesome organ grinder cries
the silver saxophones say i should refuse you
the cracked bells and washed-out horns
blow into my face with scorn
but it's not that way
i wasn't born to lose you

i want you, i want you
i want you so bad
honey i want you.

the drunken politician leaps
upon the street where mothers weep
and the saviors who are fast asleep
they wait for you
and i wait for them to interrupt
me drinking from my broken cup
and ask me to
open up the gate for you

now all my fathers they've gone down
true love they've been without it
but all their daughters put me down
cuz i don't think about it

well i return to the queen of spades
and talk with my chambermaid
she knows that i'm not afraid to look at her
she's good to me
and there's nothing she doesn't see
she knows where i'd like to be
but it doesn't matter

now your dancing child with his Chinese suit
he spoke to me, i took his flute
no, i wasn't very cute to him,
was i?
but i did it though, because he lied
because he took you for a ride
and because time was on his side
and because i...
i want you
i want you
i want you so bad
honey, i want you.